that is absolutely some of the deepest shit ive ever read. i literally had to stand back from my computer and rethink what i just wrote. i feel bad for you, having to deal with someone with a drinking problem. i feel good for you for moving on with your life and not letting her keep you down. but at the same time....i feel weird. i dunno. still, this story was amazing. please dont let this be the last one.

This was good. Well done.

I just cried. I hope my arrhythmia settles down soon. Then I can finish reading this.

ow. i hurt after reading that one

Brilliant finish. Sorry it turned out that way. Everyone had a feeling it wouldn't turn out like we were hoping, but it's still sad to see it confirmed.

I look forward to whatever story you decide to tell next.

That was so sad. I never thought it would end like that. Your stories were the best I've ever read, it pains me to think that there will be no more. I hope that you have something else left to say.

Wow. Just... Wow.

it sucks i can't look forward to new installments, but that's kind of the point. everything dies. i'll say goodbye to this story and look forward to the next. take care.

God damn, doesn't mean much coming from a nobody like me, but still god damn you are good at this. I "enjoyed" (not in a happy way really) your writing, write more please.

That's so sad. Reading that you never saw Tracy again tore my heart out. You obviously were meant for each other, but you pushed her away just cuz she fucked up (many times). If I were you, I would've tried to get a hold of Tracy after Jessica ran off. But that's just me. I guess it just reminds me of my own loneliness. You ended that post so abruptly that everyone is craving more, myself included :)

"Eventually, I found a new girlfriend. We lived together for a while in the city," immediately after the phone call was so abrupt it caused grief. I had to look away for a moment and get my heart beating again. Goodbye?

:|

awesome bro, you have so much more soul than most writers, and absolutely NONE of your stuff sucks!

Cool story and incredible writing, man. I have enjoyed reading it over the last few months, and I am sad that this appears to be the end. Thank you very much.

Thanks for the story, your writing is incredible and its the only thing that keeps me awake at work late at night.

Sad to see you won't be writing anymore..

Good luck with whatever you do in the future and if you start writing something new be sure to tell us!

dm: i'm not done writing. i'm just done with this particular story. stay tuned!

Unfuckingbelievable. You are an incredibly gifted writer. It's not even 8 a.m. and I had to close my office door so no one would see a jaded old man of 39 dabbing his eyes after reading this.

Wow what a great conclusion to this story. The site started out to me as a just a blog about doing drugs (which would have made for interesting reads too), but it turned into something much more meaningful.

I hope you continue writing something for this site even if it's not along this story line. You're one of the most punctual writers on Rudius and good at telling a story. Keep it up!

I've read all the stuff you posted. This is one of my favorite sites on the web, and I check for updates every day. You are the only thing keeping me sane at work. I love your stuff, and hope you keep posting.

This piece was incredible.

Love the analogy in the beginning and a perfect tie in with the final flame going out in the end.

I read all the stories in one sitting, all amazing. Excellent very real writing.

Guy

Despite the collective gravitational force of all those black holes that threatens to crush the universe back to a single point, there's evidence that the universe continues to expand. The human race has shown a remarkable ability to adapt under threat of total annihilation. If the doom of nuclear war brought about inventions to carry us to the moon, just imagine the rapid advances in rocket science, terraformation, and biotechnology that the Sun's impending red giant stage will bring.

Perhaps life itself is meaningless, yet alike the universe, it does have a purpose--to expand against opposing forces.

On another note, I'd like to take a guess about the time period of this entry: circa 1997?

Great stuff. I'm also sorry that it's come to and end. I'll check in hopes that it'll continue though.

It sucks about Tracy but she lost out on something special too. So was this the end to this small journey? Are we moving on to the next one soon?

dm: this was the last chapter of this story, but i am not abandoning the site. i will be posting new material. stay tuned!

thank you.

in all sincerity - this has been one of the most enjoyable blogs I've ever read, and I really appreciate the balls you had to post it all. I can't wait to see the new material, but at the same time, I almost hope you just start a new blog instead. Adding to this site with a different story just feels... i don't know.

good luck, regardless - and again, thank you for your words.

I can't believe it's been 5 months since we started reading your stories - doesn't seem that long at all.
From someone who has never been around drug or excessive alcohol use, you give such a powerful and stark window into that life.
Good to hear you'll keep writing. Can't wait to see what you start up next!

Awesome story.

How long would this be in "book" form? It's hard to gauge from the internet.

dm: it's just over 210 pages printed in single space 12 point times roman.

I love the story, and sorry to see it end, though I can't wait for the new material

Thank you for sharing your life story with us!

DM, I used to read quite a bit when I was younger. I lost interest with age because, I don't know, I guess it just wasn't important. I've followed this segment of your life so closely I feel as if I had lived it myself. I've not held a book in my hands, nor read from the screen, nor had a story that captured as much of my attention as yours did in nearly 15 years. You have a way of expressing yourself in writing, of conveying your message, that is very powerful to me. I am thankful you have chosen to share your experiences and I look forward to your next story as well as your book.

Whoever said life's experiences make the man must have had you mind.

JBS

man this is some good writing, and I am a huge literary snob. You manage to write meaningful stuff that the mass can understand, and yet is complex, and the vocabulary isnt that great, but you get the sense that you really know what youre doing. keep it up.

Dude, that has actually brought tears to my eyes.
I have been reading your blog solidly and obsessively checking each day to see if you had any new posts.
Although so god damned sad the ending was fitting.

I am really sorry things turned out the way they did but you can atleast resta ssured you have lived life and seen things that others never will.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this.

Thank you

1. Don't do drugs
2. Tracy trumps Jessica
Nailed it. Onwards!

The ending to this story was an absolute perfect fit for it. Nope, wasn't happy, but it was perfect. The last few chapters there has been a buildup of cold, gray inevitability. And then when it came down to it, there was no need for a lot of angst or a lot of descriptive flair. The breakup was simply a thing that needed to be done, nothing more. Even in that bad situation, I give you major props for tearing out your own heart and never looking back. Speaking of cold and gray, what first hooked me on this site was the way you conveyed a Missouri winter, and the equal despair of your own life at the time. In my mind, I could see the cold cloudy skies and old gas station, all of it. You can reach the reader in a way I've rarely seen before. Can't wait for more!

Another beautiful post. Personally, I think that's the deepest kind of pain. Knowing you love each other so much, but conceding you can't be together.

I wonder how much of this actually happened and how much is fiction...

I have a lot of things to say about this novel, but I won't indulge myself because many of them have already been said and the rest are not necessarily worth the time it would take to convey them.

However, I will mention one thing, in regards to the comment directly preceding mine. Whether this is entirely truth or a certain amount of fiction is irrelevant. Hemingway said "All good books have one thing in common - they are truer than if they had actually happened". Yours is a good book and has become true for me with this final chapter.

I think I might've posted here once before - you're amazing.

dude, you seriously need to get this published as a book. when i think back over all the books i have read (i read a lot), i can only think of one which i enjoyed more and which touched me more than you blog. and i have read a shit load of good books. i for one would by this in a book, and i would tell every single person i know to buy it too. fantastic ending.

This has actually inspired me to quit drugs and find something of my life.

You've changed my life for the better out of this amazing little story. Thanks man! I'm waiting to see whats next!

I (vicariously) miss travis :^(

No story has touched me like this since Band of Brothers. Simply magnificent DM, the last line was possibly the greatest single statement I've ever read, bringing things full circle.

Wow. What an incredible story. I felt like a part of me kind of died too reading this entry. But so many questions remain, like are you actually divorced? The best part is, I am going to spend so much more time with my girlfriend now.

DM, I've been reading this blog since the second chapter, and I'd really like to thank you for opening yourself up to everyone here. Your writing is amazing and true. It's not all puppys and rainbows, but it totally shows how the average person lives. No bullshit. Right down to going to the convenient store to pick up chocolate milk and candy bars after fixing computers all day. That is the average American. There still are some small questions that still need to be answered though;
1.) Why didn't you get that job?
2.) Did you ever get married or have another girlfriend after Jessica?
3.) How is Toad doing now?
4.) So this entire blog was written into the journal that Tracy gave you?

Damn, this has been a hell of a story. Amazing how you made it into fine art. I wish I had something like this that I could put into my music. I think I'd be able to write an albums worth of material about something this beautiful, funny, tragic and painful. Thank you.

DM, thank you for the joy your blog has brought me over the past few months since I first came to your site shortly after its beginning. Every day I get on the computer and immediately checked to see if you had an update, sometimes multiple times a day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish you the best of luck in your life today buddy. Chills are running up and down my spine as I write this, I'm gonna miss this blog!

You've developed quite a following since you started here, I wonder if these are all the same people who thought you were all about drugs, and you've softened their twisted hearts. Or have you tapped two audiences. Currently Id have to say you are the most popular write here, and you deserve it. Can't wait to read more.
Question: Have the Rudius people tried setting you up with any publishing people/deals yet. I don't know how the process works but this content is quite worthy Im sure. If you can't talk about that kind of stuff just say so.
Thanks.

Wow, i did not think i would see so many comments so fast. i have been reading since the beginning, rarely posting and have never seen so many comments so quickly. this final chapter was without doubt the best. i find it amazing that you know how to write so well and know exactly what imagery to use for certain things. as an ambitious writer myself, how is it that you learned to write the way you do? I am just curious. Also, how much time has passed from the final chapter to today. Just wondering how long ago all this happened.

I have been through the same thing, I know your pain. Time will help but the dark corners of your heart will still hold a place for her.

very well written, all of them. I look forward to more, but if this is the last then all I can say is that I truely enjoyed your writeing.

Thank you, I know a lot of people have said this so far, but your writing really did touch me. I know this sounds corny, but thank you.

Read the first part, kind of reading and writing on the go. Everythings dies, yes, but everything happens, doesn't it? Faze in, faze out, faze in, faze gone. Faze back. Maybe this is just blind optomisim, though. The vacant hope for free will, but surely, if we lack it, it is there somewhere or was there or will be there somewhere in existance, if only for a nanosecond. And nothing can change that.

This is the most powerful writing I have read in years. I've found happiness with someone in my life who has a problem with drugs and I fear that this is how it will be. You seemed to have taken all the words out of my head and transferred them onto paper how I will never be able to.

Entries like this are why I read.

Badass, what a journey.

Wow. Thank you.

Lurker since day one, never felt the need to come forward before now. You are an incredible writer, without a doubt. I write as a hobby myself, and I have learned a lot from you. I just want to sincerely thank you so much for sharing your life and your experiences with us.

Like all of us, I was hoping that you and Tracy would manage to work things out, but I lost my first love too. I hope that things are better for you now, and I sincerely hope that you continue to write. You could publish this today, unedited, and it would be better than 90% of the stuff out there. I wish you luck in your endeavors!

That story absolutly floored me. I've re-read it about three times now. I just cant even imagine going through that. It's an irreversible, unchangeable thing and thats why Im sure so many people are completely moved by the ending of it. I dont even know what to say except "wow". Thank you for this incredible series of events which you so graciously let people read and honestly, I look forward to reading more as you are truly an amazing writer.

An absolutely phenomenal last ending, DM. Thanks for sharing this story with us.

If this ever comes out in book form I will be picking it up, even if it's just to lend to my friends.

Once again man, thank you for sharing this. It must have been extremely difficult to write, and as such I really appreciate that you gave the world the chance to read it.

Cheers.

You fucking bertter not be done. The shit you type gives me chills.

Amen. Great stories have been following it from the beginning fanatically.

I admire your perspective on life. I feel a sense os comraderie with you, as though your stories speak to me. And as I read everyones comments I notice you've affected a lot of people in the same way. Everyone get's out of your stories what they need.

I (like lot's of other commentors) went through a period of drug abuse and also falling in love with someone that was in essence bad for me. Did you find that the craving for drugs and the craving for tracy were similar, like they effected the same parts of the brain?

From chasing the first few highs to looking at the positive side and ignoring the negative. It's like the love of someone who treats us poorly is addictive.

dm: in fact, you just nailed one of the points i was getting at with all of this. thank you.

Darren, you will probably never read this, but, thanks. I really enjoyed reading your journal, and I am glad that you found the courage to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with us, your readers.

dm: i read every one of these comments. thank you!

I appreciate the closure (almost an epilogue) you provided by the "where are they now?" glimpse of your characters. I couldn't imagine a more fitting ending.

I hope you got the catharsis you need out of writing it, even more than you have touched the people reading it. I look forward to this site's next endeavor.

Hey DM,
I really hope you put this into a book. I know that I have seen several people claiming you are doing it, but I havent seen anything official yet. But I sure hope it is true. I was never into heavy drugs or anything, but I had a friend who I think we could equate to Josh in your stories. Although my friend never committed suicide, he still lives to this day under the control of drugs that he has never been able to stop taking. Beyond the drug aspect, I have felt and experience most of your observations about life, girls, and people. Thanks for the eloquent insight! Hope your writing career takes you where you want it to. Thanks alot.
John

Oh my god, that just hit my heart. What a wonderful story, I am heartbroken but know that it had to end.

I think everyone has that person in their life, you are made for each other but together you destruct. At least I hope they do because I think the flame burns so white hot despite the hurt and the pain.

I look forward to the next journey you will take me on.

It's increasingly rare to find a writer that can convey an emotional experience like that in a way that genuinely resonates with the reader. Reading this story was like reliving all past loves at once, that bittersweet feeling creating a vaccum in your chest as the pain of loss and heartbreak collides with the joy that love brought you. I look forward to every word of your next work, and my only complaint is that I can't go buy a hardcover book of this story.

I'm probably alone in my opinion of this particular post, but it made me think of something Chris Rock said in Dogma (talking about the Bible, and how x-many years of Jesus' life was missing from it): that's some bad fuckin' storytelling.

It feels like I've just been to the cinema and watched an incredibly compelling film, only to be shown the ending in a slideshow sequence.

You dump Tracy. Bam, you have another girlfriend. Bam, she's gone. Bam, Josh is dead (no pun intended). Bam, Tracy has a kid and it's The End.

Everything was beautifully written and well-told until the final part of this story. Maybe it has to be this way, but still... argh!

I'll keep checking back here anyway. I do love your writing and hope it continues :)

Mate, that was one of the best life stories i've ever read. You're an incredibly talented writer, and your perspective of things is fantastic. I've never checked a blog and wanted updates like i have when i was reading this. You're a good egg.

These comments have gone a long way from thinking you were Bill Gates and random other conspiracy theories. Your work is incredible and deeply moving, you have also prevented me from doing any real schoolwork in my first period computer class. Thank you DM, and good luck.

I'm still in high school and I'm going through my phase like your first months at the station, but slowly growing out of it. I've used radius media sites to get me through class, but stumbling upon yours was a blessing. I am an aspiring writer, and this is just the kind of story I need to read. I try to get my friends to read to, because when I make references to the story (which I often do) no one understands, this story relates to so many things. Your journey was an amazing one, but be able to tell it is even greater. It began as just wild tales of drugs and step-parent angst but it grew into one of the most captivating stories I've ever read, I hope this gets published and I honestly cannot wait for the next story. Thank you so much.

What a way to start the day.
Thank you, the ending was so short that I didn't have time to stop and think until the very last word. That made it even more poweful, and I can't wait for more stories from you.

im in the air force and my girlfriend is named tracy.... but we're not married and dont have a kid so im pretty sure its not the same one, plus im only 22 and so is she haha.
great story man, i cant wait for the next one
like everyone i started reading rudiusmedia because of tucker and i thought his drunken stories where hilarious, but your stuff brings out the other side of having that kind of fun, and its really a fresh perspective and i love it
thanks and keep up the good work

That was a brilliant story. Those last words brought a tear to my eye and bodyshiver that hasnt stopped. Thankyou DM

DM: Great ending to one of the best thing's I've read, on the internet or elsewhere. I can't remember the last time I was so emotionally invested in a stranger's life. I really, really hope you start a new series on this site and keep regularly posting.

Indeed...I'm glad to hear you'll be adding material and I just wanna say I'll buy your book if one is released...ah I've said it before but once again, the parallels I see in our lives...drug abuse, quiting, looking back, and recently my girlfriend has had a few encounters with alcohol, I just hope things can turn out better than they did for you. I don't believe I'm quite as self sufficient as you. But you have my best wishes and I hope everything is well with you. Best wishes DM Peace.

I picked this blog up at just the right time; the day before the final entry was posted, and I just finished it up earlier today.

Wow.

DM, that is some of the best first person storytelling anywhere. I don't get any sense of embellishment or untruths, simply pure emotion coming out from your heart into the journal Tracy gave you. To echo others here, I felt a bond with you and a will for you and your relationships to succeed. I hope things have, and continue to work out for you.

Thanks for writing for the world to read, DM.

Well done. I'll look forward to more from you. Was a bit disapointed about the lack of details about Jessica, but I guess the story wasn't really about her.

Great story, but you left me hanging, what happened to Poopie?

dm: there will be more material about poopie in the print version.

Thank you. Following this story has been incredible in a number of ways on a number of levels for me, and I'm definitly eager to see what the next saga will be. You mentioned a print version- with who/when?

This should be required reading for any 20 something male.

you are an incredible writer, I'd wish you luck pursuing a career in it, but I know you won't need it.

wish it never ended

You said something about this being in print version?

Do you have a book deal in the works, or is it done or what?

Details please

dm: it's being worked on. whether or not it ever gets published is anyone's guess.

I know you have heard this a hundred times...but I love your writing. I have no doubt that your book will be just as good if not better then the stories you have been posting here. Whatever publishing company you go through would be making a huge mistake if they don't publish you.

The single greatest storytelling I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Nothing has ever come close to affecting me as this has. It has been a great pleasure to be given the opportunity to read this; thank you.

DM:

Without doubt the most entertaining and well written blog on the Rudius site. I have been following your postings closely and they always make my morning when I see a fresh one is up. Too bad this story had to end, but hopefully you will have more for us.

To comment briefly on the final post: What happened. I follow that this post "wraps it up"/everything dies, but compared to all of your previous posts this one felt short, almost cut-off. I realize your probably want to save some original material, but the one line change from no Tracy to new girlfriend was too much for me.

Absolutely love your work, bravo.

DM: I think you can consider this overwhelming response from your readers to be a standing ovation.

Thank you for your honest portrayal of your life. It has been an amazing experience. I am looking forward to the next phase.

Cindy

Will you be releasing this story as a book?

A few people have mentioned how they don't like the faster movement of the story in this last piece.

I'd just like to say that I very strongly think that the brevity of this piece is absolutely essential to the overall feel of the story. It feels just like a great relationship after a shitty part of your life. The emotions correspond perfectly, in the right amounts and at the right times. I wouldn't have it written in any other way.

dm: i agree. drawing it out would have destroyed it.

so,

when is the new stuff coming?

dm: when are you going to send me a paypal donation?

Amazing. Simply amazing. It's unlike nothing I've ever read. It started out being amusing, with the drug experiences, especially a few of the LSD experiences, and turned into something much more than that. Heavy stuff, really heavy stuff. You are the best writer on Rudius, and I can't wait for more.

I can't believe this is 200+ pages printed, I felt like I read it in a couple hours. An amazing story, I'm not so patiently waiting for my DevilMonkey RSS feed to have a (1) next to it.

DM, you never asked for a paypal donation. Please point me toward the link, and I will happily donate a few dollars.

The "book" I read on your website kept me far more entertained than $15 gets me at the bar, and I'd like to give back a little.

dm: thanks, anonymous 3. i was just being a smart-ass.

I just cried. I hope it's not over.

This is easily the saddest thing I have ever read. You are such a phenomenal writer. Every character and every setting is so fucking real to me it's uncanny. Throughout reading your stories, I have identified closely with your triumph over substance abuse, your unexpected and sudden attachment to Tracy, her alcohol problem, and the spiral into loss. If this story is fictitious, you are hands-down one of the most creatively prolific authors of our time. If it is autobiographical, I deeply sympathize. Either way, this is amazing work I hope to see in print, and I look forward to your future writings.

I've been lurking here since the start too, and now seems as good a time as any to come forward and thank you for telling this story. I've read a lot, and this is up there amongst the most moving and compelling literature out there.

Needless to say, I'll be buying the published version when it emerges (which I have absolutely no doubt it will) for myself and for others.

Do you think Tracy read this story? Perhaps a friend of a friend forwarded it to her?

Wow, I've been reading your entries since the very beggining and I have to say, the way you sped it all up and the final kicker blew me away. I really don't think I'll be the same after this. Fucking excellent.

Bro, great writing. It made me cry. Thanks for the great story.

Wow, truly amazing, I was totally shocked when I read about Josh. Simply Amazing.

That was awesome. Powerful/beautiful/inspirational... real. Life.

Keep writing.

DevilMonkey,

That short aspect of your life should be made into a movie. I would love to learn to express my inner thoughts of stages of my life like you did in your story.

You are brilliant.

I just finished reading White Dwarf. Over the past two days at work, when I wasn't on the phone I was straining my eyes to the point of tears reading your story. I just wanted to tell you that it is definitely the most engaging 'blog' I've found online (though I think it elevates the form), but also one of the most honest and insightful biographies I've read to date. You have created something truly beautiful and should be immensely proud. I wish to be able to write something as engrossing and detailed as this someday. You have personally inspired me to pick up the pen once again. I look forward to starting Under the Sun tomorrow.

Keep up the amazing work, your newest fan, Jamie.

That whole story was epic. I stayed up reading this instead of studying for my psych midterm, and it was worth it. Truly epic.